30’s Part 1

I sit here sipping coffee on an average Wednesday morning at work. While deep in meditation over the dark black charisma that is coffee I wonder about my life.  Early thirties, single, home owner, artist and a steady well-paying job. Am I content or still seeking for more?

God has been a theme that has been threaded throughout my life. Always approaching to hear the same chime of “salvation from sin” “grace” ” comfort zone” etc etc etc. These words are a constant echoing voice from the modern Christian church.

I then pause to look at my own insecurities and how they have so deeply effected me. Fear, an ever present fog over everything I do. The fear of being forgotten, the fear of being lonely (different from being alone) and fear of being inadequate at a task or skill.

What lead me to this path of thoughtful contemplation was my desire to stare at my current forms of entertainment and how they are effected by… me. I enjoy painting, playing video games, playing tabletop games and designing things. Movies are a given but not so much music, well, as compared to people with the slogan “music is my life.” I would not go that far, shoot i would not even look at the building labeled that from across a wide street.

I delve deeper in each aspect of my life to find my own stances on them. Why? Well I believe it is an important part of life to have self reflection. An idea i doubt gleaned from Bible teaching;


Complete Jewish Bible
In other words, do not let yourselves be conformed to the standards of the ‘olam hazeh. Instead, keep letting yourselves be transformed by the renewing of your minds; so that you will know what God wants and will agree that what he wants is good, satisfying and able to succeed.

King James Bible
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

New International Version
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The idea that I partially believe I have taken too far and thought to much and took no action. Mostly I believe it is because I was never taught it. That is not to say I am blaming someone but partially I am. It is only after trail and error and contemplation we realize that maybe what we have been taught is false (or semi-false) and must be reworked. It is a brief bit of irritation to think that someone could have taught me better but didn’t. Nothing that can be done of that now…

My relations with people is a major aspect of me. One that is a major aspect of us all for this level of existences. Fear is the talisman I grasp hold of in fear of tripping and losing the thing that keeps me holding it. Nonsense really. Again, once I learn of the issue It becomes my responsibility to learn how to over come it. God comes into play here but not the A-typical response, “You don’t have to handle your burdens any more, Yeshua has them” that is all true but it misses the step where you have to put in effect to eradicate or eliminate it… There for it takes your effort to hand it over. It’s that handover that is the trail the hardship.

Fear she will say no (they usually do), fear of being injured – which has been a constant never ending fear in my life and has altered the very core of who I am – and fear of wrongfully accused or ignored. All of this a constant, learned from my surroundings and people. Which brings me back to the Bushidō code. I have written about this before in my blog Religion & Political Zealots:

Principles to live by… To find a post biblical list of principles to live by I usher you to the doors of the Code of Bushido. It is simple and to the point. The language is not flowery or has room for misunderstanding.

The Bushidō code is typified by eight virtues:

This code can be found in many religions today but I think the Code it’s self speaks volumes all by it’s self. If everyone were to take this code and live by it I think the world would be a better place. And they don’t even have to be a warrior or anyone who practice martial arts.

The reason I said it the way I did is that this code is not in conflict with any Religious practice. Well maybe Islam… You be the judge.

Back on topic, Lets round the base here. I have become contemplative due to my age and position in life right now. I think the reason for this contemplation is I see the position I would like to be – the one that is more-than-likely an influence of societal constructs passed on to me.  – and I am not there. So I’ll lay it out in an attempt to conquer the fear that is present in it:

  1. Married: This entails that I can handle myself and the responsibility of that level of relationship.
    • A family and children.
    • The comfort that is wrapped up with a loving spouse etc etc
  2. Active and Adventurous
    •  Getting out and doing things. Making memories… “enjoying life”
  3. Mastery or on the approach of mastery of my profession.
    • My current profession is well suited for me. But  I look at it thinking. What is the label for this? What is the transfer to another company using these skills. Time will tell. The fears is, am I in a position that is easily replaceable.
  4. Someone of importance
    • Recognized and taken into consideration

These are the crux of my fears and desires. All things I want or feel I need to be a ” well rounded” human.

The answer to these will only be in time. This blog ends without a finale, without a neatly wrapped bow. It just ends, just as life is a whisper. More to come, I hope and pray…









It was layer 1 dream talking a layer 2 dream.

Layer 2: I was on the beach with my parents and bother and sister in law and one of them used their phone under water to measure something. I think we may have been fishing as well. I thought that was the coolest thing then tried it myself only to remember to late that my phone did not do that. I quickly pulled it from the water and it worked fine.. then seconds later it messed up and I was devastated.

Layer 1: I was at work (Durante Home Exteriors ), on the sales side of the building with Mr. Durante, Steve and some guy and his daughter. There is some kind of table and chairs set up right near the door. She sat down on the chair closest to the door facing toward the hall way. I sat across from her facing the same way. We began talking and I was telling her about the dream (Layer 2) I remember looking at her and thinking she was pretty and I liked her demeanor.  I got this feeling it (or maybe it was just my desire and nothing more) was like this is going to be more.

I type out this dream because I am prone to have dreams come true.








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